Joined: Nov 2003 Gender: Female Posts: 495 Location: my big house
middle aged angst « Thread Started on Feb 19, 2005, 1:27am »
it's a pathetic thing. kids expect their parents to be together mentally, you know...grown up.
I feel like I'm 17, sometimes I feel like I'm 12. I don't know how in depth about this I want to get right now, hhmm I need to grow up in several ways, but, I want to stay young at heart. I want to be able to feel free and have fun, to not be always restrained and stodgey. My kids think I'm cool, weird, insane and they like to be with me. That feels nice, but sometimes I worry that I'm not being who they need me to be. I've heard that parents who want to be friends with their kids (before the kids are actually adults) usually aren't being who thier kids need them to be...it's a mistake... I just want mine to be happy and feel like they can be whoever they want to be and accomplish whatever they want to accomplish...I don't want to tell them "you have to do and be this or that" Sometimes I feel myself heading in that direction, even as I'm wanting them to feel free. A couple of them don't seem to feel free. One seems inhibitted and rather afraid of doing anything on his own and the other seems to feel defeated. I don't know what I did, or didn't do. Well, I know that I didn't model self confidence for them. I don't have much self confidence. There's also the esteem issue. But, back to the beginning here. I never rebelled as a teen and now I want to do what I want to do. To rebell in a sense. But, I can't really, because I have too many responsibilities and people that I'm accountable to.
Joined: Nov 2003 Gender: Female Posts: 495 Location: my big house
Re: middle aged angst « Reply #1 on Feb 28, 2005, 10:11am »
ok, so is it depression when everything puts the pit of sadness in your gut.and everything has you on the verge of tears? Need to laugh, need to think happy thoughts, need to be able to do what I have to do like play music,learn some new pieces, write some stuff. I just get so tired and want to sleep. Need more paying students. Need to advertise. Need to practice. Need to study. Need to forget about people I can't be with....Need to concentrate on my family. Need to bring back the giddy love I had for Ron. What I have he finds acceptable but not really enough. I need to be "in love", giddy, head over heals,... I really, at this point, don't know how to get it back. It makes me sad. You don't just give up and leave because that's not there. You don't break up a family...and I won't. Wow, vomit out yer a$$...that's exactly what it seems like. Hope no one reads this nuts. Feels good to get it out though. The thing is, to talk aloud about it to someone....I don't want to be told what I should do, how I should feel. I just want to change it, but I don't know how. Makes me feel crappy being told. I have a problem........I need to get busy and away from myself. but I'm alone til my family gets home then I have to do for them and I feel...not resentful, that's not the word...I don't know. I'm such a no load. How do I change that?
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